A dark cloud hangs over the Matott household tonight.
A dastardly, diabolical and daring crime was committed in broad daylight during a dashing, dazzling Bronco game that Mr. Matott was inside watching with no knowledge that within just yards of his comfortable couch a horrible crime was being committed.
During the Bronco game a hate crime was committed in Mr. Matott's back and side yard.
Over fourteen hundred blades of grass were stabbed to death with simple plastic forks and due to the nature of this crime it is believed that someone is without his toilet paper tonight... adding theft to the potential list of crimes.
Trees were tied up, adding to the list including;
illegal use of toilet paper and forks,
1451 counts of murder of Kentucky Bluegrass,
deprivation of toilet paper and a long list of other potential crimes.
The culprit is believed to be an ardent Raider fan who knows of Mr. Matott's love for the Broncos (who were beating the Raiders soundly during the crime to the tune of 23 - 3 IN THE BLACK HOLE IN CALIFORNIA, I MIGHT ADD!).
A young man of approximately ten and a half in a red shirt with strikingly blond hair and apparently quite handsome was seen sneaking around the outskirts of the Matott mansion doing the deed.
An eyewitness claimed the boy was humming something from either the Legos or the Bionicals and giggling with delight at his wit, stealth and conniving need to inflict pain on Mr. Matott. This evidence along with the actual owning of said toys will be further evidence when this case goes to trial.
This will not go unpunished. Fingerprints are being lifted from the forks that littered the Matott yard and when the culprit is apprehended it is likely he will receive either a toilet swirly, an atomic wedgie or BOTH, but in the extreme case he could be sentenced to a plastic fork and toilet paper factory and be forced to apologize to every blade of grass in Mr. Matott's yard for taking their dear friends so brutally.
A funeral will be held in Mr. Matott's backyard. Please withhold flowers (seen by Kentucky bluegrass as competition) but by all means do not withhold any dark chocolate, especially from the Mountain Man or from Sees. Sometimes it is these kind of gestures that helps one get through such loss.